Monday, March 09, 2009

Long Time No Blog


Sorry I've been an absentee blogger. I'm spending all my time writing the book these days. Actually, writing is a bit of an overstatement -- more like typing while simultaneously having a nervous breakdown and going into cardiac arrest. The final draft is due to my publisher exactly four months from today and I'm woefully behind; so I might not be 'round these parts too much until it's finished. (Did you see how I implemented the semicolon just then? Is that even correct punctuation? Don't you always feel unsure when you deploy the semicolon? Using semicolons is like writing your first book or folding fitted sheets. You never really know if you're doing it right.) Anyway, know that I am thinking about you and wishing you were here. Because then I would make you write the book for me while I lie on the couch and drink martinis.

Monday, March 02, 2009

Give Me a Hand. No, Really.


Dupuytren's Disease

I went to an orthopedist today to have him look at what I thought was a run-of-the-mill ganglion cyst. It turns out that I have Dupuytren's Disease, also known as Dupuytren's Contracture. It’s a condition where lumps and thick cords form on your palm, eventually making it impossible to hold your hand flat and causing the fingers to curl in until you, quite literally, have a part-time claw on your hands. The condition is hereditary, most common in people of European descent. It usually occurs in men over 45 (it's ten times more likely to afflict men than women, cementing my long-held theory that I’m a guy that God accidentally put breasts on).

The doctor injected a load of cortisone into the lump on my left hand (which, let me tell you, hurts) in an effort to slow down the process. Then he examined my right palm. “Oh look!” he said, pointing to a thick cord that I’d mistaken for a tendon. “It’s already starting on the other hand, too.”

I got home and took to the internet thinking, “Surely this isn’t as serious as he’s making it out to be.” On various websites I was treated to such warnings as:

Over time, as the contracture develops, the fingers become clawed as they are pulled towards the palm.

The fingers are completely pulled against the palm.

Often, the skin of the palm is dimpled and puckered.

Ew, just ewww. And the really good news:

More severe disease often occurs with an earlier age of onset. (ie. Me)

“Are you going to have lobster claws?” Jess asked when I told her. “I really hope not, but they would help make you a cool-crazy old aunt someday.”

That would’ve been nice. I think I could’ve pulled off lobster claws. I’d have told people that it was a gang sign. “Yeah, that’s right. I run with The Crustaceans. What, you haven’t heard of us? We’re the new Latin Kings.”

But Dupuytren's tends to curl in the pinky and ring fingers more than the other digits. So it appears I’ll be spending my latter years looking like That Dude at the frat party perpetually shooting the finger guns at people. I’m going to grow up to look like a douchebag is what I am telling you. This, I think we can all agree, is decidedly less cool.

Many thanks to Kelley from Home in the Heights and Alana from blogs.com, who plugged my blog today. That was a happy little surprise after an utterly strange afternoon.