Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Actual Conversation Between Me and the Woman Who Takes Flower Orders At FTD

Florist: What do you want the card to say?

Me: Let’s go with ‘Happy 30th birthday.’

Florist: Anything else?

Me: 'And sorry again for vomiting on the floor at your party.'

Florist: [Silence]

3 comments:

George Spink said...

Julie Allison just quoted you on Twitter as saying: "The idea of dating terrifies me. It's like a job interview ... for LIFE."

Dating has never affected me that way. Most of my dates have been fun, and some have really been romantic. But I've had a few strange dates over the years.

The strangest was with a woman whose nickname was "Flip Out Feather." I met her while I lived in Chicago. She was gorgeous! She lived in a condo in a highrise on Lake Shore Drive (aka LSD). She didn't work, didn't go to school. Feather's father paid all of her bills and gave her plenty of spending money. We were both 25.

We went out a few times, always had fun. On our fourth date, she was even friendlier than she had been on our earlier dates.

"Let's go back to my place, baby!" she whispered. We hopped in a cab and went back to her building.

She began unbuttoning my shirt on the elevator. When we entered her apartment, we undressed each other as quickly as we could. I carried her into her bedroom. We made love all night. She looked so happy. I know I was....

About four in the morning, she woke me up.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" she demanded. "Did you screw me? Oh, my God! Oh, my God!"

Feather pounded on my chest and hit me with her pillow, over and over and over.

Finally, I pulled her toward me and kissed her. She was crying softly, shaking. Her beautiful long black hair draped down over her breasts. She couldn't have looked more beautiful. I kissed her over and over. We made love again....

About seven o'clock, Feather woke me up again.

"You have to get the fuck out of here! My dad stops by every morning about 7:30. Hurry up! Get going!

"And don't ever call me again!"

GIANTS FAN said...

You have a great site here. I have a humor blog as well. I'd like to exchange links with you to help spread some traffic around for both of us.

Jason
HilariousHeadlines.com/talk
New York

Ranger Tom said...

I've done that myself...