Thursday, May 28, 2009

Cute Overload

My mom and little sister found this in a mall parking lot being attacked by mockingbirds. I kind of want to attack it, too. With kisses. Not just regular kisses, but tongue kisses because that's how cute she is and also because she is a kitty (when in Rome, right?). And is it just me, or does she look like the couch?

Friday, May 22, 2009

Hindsight 20/20

In retrospect, this may not have been the best camera angle from which to capture my straddle whip on the trapeze.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

ABC Telling It Like It Is

I tried to watch free online episodes of Dancing With the Stars tonight on, but a message popped up telling me I needed to download their plug-in first. This was their sales pitch. And you know, I kind of love them for it.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

More Skydiving Photos!

With Bill Schulz, Chris Rovzar and Jessica Coen at Long Island Skydiving. We later reenacted this photo in the nude.

Bill, Jessica and I sign the "you die and it's your bad" release forms.

The reality of the situation hits Jessica while Bill remains blithely unaware of what is to come.

Death march.





Monday, May 11, 2009

I Survived

The expression on my face really says it all.

It Should Come As No Surprise That I Don't Remember Taking 99% Of These Photos

For my potential last night on earth, I gathered a few friends together for an ironic dinner at Olive Garden. After many bottles of Sutter Home were consumed, we sojourned to the Times Square Madame Tussauds wax museum to molest some statues. Joining me were my girl Sara and another friend who asked not to be identified because he (uh, or she. you never know. going on the clothes alone it could also be Ellen DeGeneres) takes care with how he portrays himself to the public. As you can see, this is not a concern of mine.

The best part of the museum is the American Idol section where they let you karaoke before a wax Simon Cowell and when you're done, the house deejay hits a button and one of Cowell's pre-recorded withering comments comes over the loudspeaker to crush your dreams. It is absolutely fantastic and I forgot about it entirely until I woke up the next day and found a card in my purse reading


(the blank filled in with handwriting) 'Midnight Train to Georgia'

Present this card to the host to purchase a custom DVD, complete with titles, them [sic] music and STARRING YOU!

We were being filmed????? Hilarious. Sara informs me that TLC's "Don't Go Chasing Waterfalls" was also given its due. Go there, man.


The next day I have the following conversation with my friend on the right...

Me: Who is that guy in the red shirt with us in the Hulk picture? Is he part of the display? I must have had more wine than I realized.

Friend: That I don’t remember him is also a red flag.

I'll be with you in a minute, Evander.

I have a suspicion the Victoria Beckham also freelances in the '80s wing as Michael J. Fox.

Apropos of nothing, gang signs with Julia Roberts

Motorboating fake Tyra Banks.

Friday, May 08, 2009

This Is The Last Photo I Want On My Blog In Case I Die Tomorrow

Naked skydiving

Against my better judgment I'm going skydiving tomorrow afternoon. It's for my book, obviously. Why anybody would voluntarily engage in an activity that can make your breasts look like upside down cereal bowls is beyond me, so I'm amazed I convinced my friends Jessica Coen, Chris Rovzar and Bill Schulz to come along with me. In honor of our adventure I emailed the three of them this photo.

"Oh my god, WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THE BOOBS?" Jessica wrote back.

"That's what's going to happen to your boobs tomorrow, Coen," Chris replied. "Sometimes, they stay that way."

Thank God For Paris Hilton


This may even be better than the time she told the court, "I meet so many people. I don't even know some of my friends' names." I can't decide. It's like making me choose which of my two mentally impaired babies I love more.

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Today in Emailing With Jessica

Jessica: Why does Kelly Ripa's navel look like a penis?

Me: THAT'S a penis? How many small children have you been fucking? Still, I see your point.

Jessica: Ha. A LOT OF SMALL CHILDREN. But seriously, it looks like it has a tiny little head on it.

Me: I think her belly button is just afraid of her abs (I know I am) and trying to make a break for it.

Jessica: I think her mother's obgyn should be shot.

Sunday, May 03, 2009

Inappropriately-Named Food For Thought

You know what, Clam Chowder? It’s time for you to -- as Dr. Phil would say –- get real with yourself, embrace your true identity and change your name to Potato Chowder. Nobody likes a poseur.