Tuesday, April 28, 2009

An Open Letter To The Person Who Keeps Leaving Comments On My Blog Asking If I've Stalked Him Through Usmagazine.com Comments:

Yes, you’ve caught me. While employed at Usmagazine.com I took time out of my busy workday to comment repeatedly on my own blog posts, under my own name, even though employees were forbidden to leave comments. In addition to entrusting me to write 100-word blog posts about Britney Spears, this billion-dollar corporation with a scrupulous legal department granted me access to a confidential database full of our readers’ private information, which I illegally accessed for nefarious purposes. It is also true that while I have no earthly idea who you are, I have been relentlessly stalking you online for the last two years. And I occasionally send you messages through Labrador retrievers and David Letterman. I’m watching you right now, fyi. I liked your hair better the old way.

I’ll be seeing you. (Really.)

Hugs and Kisses,
Noelle

26 comments:

CajunKate said...

Goodness, I'm so glad I found your blog. You never fail to crack me up! When does your book come out? At least one purchase guaranteed right here.

Anonymous said...

Ok, did you write all this just so you could use the word "nefarious"?

I did see some odd comment the other day about you pretending to be you or some other Seinfeldian plot. This all sounds exciting, keep us posted.

Todays word verification brought to you by "sedsarq".

letsupe said...

I'm not saying that you've illegally accessed databases, but site moderators can usually see at least the email addresses people use when posting comments on their sites even w/out accessing IP information. I think it's also an open secret at this point, that most sites employ bloggers to write stuff for their own commentS section to make their sites seem more interesting/busy. Since I called usmag several times, when you were still employed there, to complain of the harassment on their site, and all 4 or 5 pple who work in their online department knew about my calls and complaints - it's odd that you as the main editor at usmag at that time don't/didn't know who I am or what was going on on your site. Hm?

ps. it's not nice to try and make fun of people with mental illness, Noelle. I thought you'd know that...

Cameron Newland said...

Could Ms. Hancock have made up this mentally-unstable commenter? It's all very meta, very self-referential, very M.C. Escher-impossible.

Noelle Hancock's EVIL Plan To Take Over The World:

1) Create fake controversy about harassing people in the comments section of USMag.
2) Place fake controversy in the comments of personal blog.
14) Write blogpost detailing fake controversy on personal blog.
15) Watch lemming commenters like myself detail the charade, also in comments of personal blog.
16) Snicker at the lowly plebes.

Anonymous said...

There’s nothing MC Escher about it. I’ve been stalked online by some nut for close to 2 yrs. It started on umag’s site. I have called their online department to complain about it numerous times. Everyone in their online department knows about it. It’s virtually impossible that Noelle doesn’t/ didn’t know anything about it, as she claims. Well, Noelle’s book should be doing well. At least she can make dopes and Mid-Western housewives laugh.

Anonymous said...

Noelle does not give a fuck about you. Get over it.

saramginer said...

!!!!!!!

Lorena said...

wow I feel like I've stumbled into the seventh circle of hell. Maybe your commenter should watch "A Beautiful Mind"

Anonymous said...

Thank you, thank you, Dr. Lorena is it? Or are you also a Mid-Western houswife - in which case I'd have to advice you in return to never judge 2 people after only hearing 1 side of the story.

Dr. Lorena said...

I have a degree in psychology with a concentration in paranoid schizophrenia actually. Thanks for asking, so respectful of you! And don't worry, I feel like I've read your side of the story repeatedly in all of the delightful comments you leave.

P.S. What do you have against Midwesterners anyway? I've always found them quite friendly.

Anonymous said...

when I moved here I was told by good friends that there's mostly the East Coast and then there's the West Coast, and then there's a vast vapid no-mans-land in between which I should never bother to try and visit. The way they put it, it just made sense to me.

So, do you have a lot of first hand experience with paranoid schizophrenia then? And, do you sometimes collaborate with the famed Dr. Phil in your popular online medical consultations; or your drive-through medical clinic keeps you just too busy for much else.

Anonymous said...

who do suppose writes all of the comments on eg usmagazine (or tmz)????

Anonymous said...

99.9% of the commenst on usmagazine are written by some pro-blogger that's employed by usmag. I find it pretty difficult to believe that you don't know that, or who it is, since you've worked there. You don't know who your co-workers are? oh oh.

Anonymous said...

Your tin foil hat, are you able to buy it in different colors? How about styles? I mean, maybe one day I want to play baseball, then the next pretend to be a cowboy or something. I'd think it would deflect sun beams as well, is that a true statement?



blah blah blah "sorki"

Anonymous said...

Are you feeling ok, 3.12pm Anonymous?

Anonymous said...

I just checked the H1N1 google map. There are no flags over my area, so I must be doing great today.

How bout you, are you having a bright, bright sun shiney day?


You know the drill "gratir".

Anonymous said...

Anonymous @ 5.07pm. Oh good. glad to hear your doing ok, bc I was getting a little concerned when you started talking about how you want to dress up as a cowboy one day and then you want to prance around in tin foil hats in varying styles the next day?? And I try to be nice to the really crazy people, so I figured I asked how your doing.

and no I actually don't know "the drill" about "gratir"? Is that your word verification game? I haven't posted my verifaction words actually. true.

Anonymous said...

Yes, word verification. I understand the need for this annoying step, but kind of resent it still. So I guess I'm highlighting it and having some fun with it at the same time in a way. For example, the one now is kinda appropriate whilst talking about crazy people.

"lootelu"

Used in a sentence.

The woman that jumped into a polar bear cage in Berlin was probably a bit lootelu.

Anonymous said...

uh, what's your name 6.25 Anonynous?

Ranger Tom said...

This guys sounds like he related to my ex mother-in-law...

They've both got a lot in common.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm, why do you ask? I could ask you the same question. I must say I have enjoyed our little chat.



"tivesser"

Anonymous said...

6.31am Anonymous. Why do I ask?? Well, you just sound very very familiar to me for some reason. Is it possible at all we've spoken before, say on some other web site for example? I am just very very curious about your real name. I'm sure you understand.

Anonymous said...

I'm not so sure as to the wisdom of disclosing personal info in this thread of all threads. You can feel free to guess, and I may tell you when you get it right. Now I must put my cowboy hat on and prance* toward the shower.

*I've never pranced in my life. I may however, have been know to strut.

"pizeder" The pizeder was busted on my home theater system, so I could not hear the famed midget alto hit the high notes. Bummer.

Anonymous said...

Anoynymous 2.21. well, I have been trying to guess, but it seems as though you never want to tell me when I get it right. Well, let's start with the least likely though def the most desirable possibility: does your last name start with an "L" by any chance?

Anonymous said...

well? any further clues, word verification blogger?

Anonymous said...

Can you please start stalking me?