Monday, December 21, 2009

I Need To Watch More Local News

"A drunk 4-year-old is accused of stealing Christmas presents from his neighbors..."

And it really just goes from there. A story so rich that they don't even get to the cross-dressing angle until 50 seconds in.

News Channel 9

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Today in Emailing With Jessica

Me: Sometimes I'll be doing research for my book and randomly come across something that tickles me to the core. I was looking up something for my karaoke chapter this afternoon when I encountered this nugget from Wikipedia:

Both Salt and Pepa appeared on VH1's Hip Hop Honors in November 2004, as the trio were honorees. Spinderella did not attend.

Jessica: Oooh. Was there a falling out with Spin, yo?

Me: Seems like they just went their separate ways. Pepa married the guy from Naughty by Nature. Salt tried a solo career as a Christian rap artist. Spin is now a radio personality in L.A. and her daughter recently appeared on an episode of My Super Sweet Sixteen. Interestingly, she's not the original Spinderella. They started out with a different one, but she was replaced after the first album and they just called the second one Spinderella, as well.

Jessica: If you took this individual email as a standalone dispatch, not part of a conversation...well, it'd be regarded as one of the most awesome emails ever.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Actual Conversation Between Me and the Woman Who Takes Flower Orders At FTD

Florist: What do you want the card to say?

Me: Let’s go with ‘Happy 30th birthday.’

Florist: Anything else?

Me: 'And sorry again for vomiting on the floor at your party.'

Florist: [Silence]

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Sorry, Nothing to See Here.

Every now and then someone says, "You never update your blog anymore!" and I feel all guilty and shit. Then I start to write a blog post and remember that I'm still not done with my book, which I'm actually being paid to write. Then I feel even more guilty, abandon the blog post and go back to working on the book. So it goes. But I'll be back eventually. Promise!

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Look What You've Done

Dunkin Donuts held a contest where people could vote on what kind of doughnut they'd like to see come to fruition. Introducing the Heath Bar-covered doughnut. Single-handedly saving you the trouble of opening a candy wrapper. Available for a limited time or until your heart explodes through your chest cavity. Putting that warning on the side was thoughtful, but I don't care how bad your nut allergy is -- the almonds are the least of your worries in this scenario.

I'm reminded of John Oliver's hilarious stand-up bit about the Dominos Oreo Pizza being the most patriotic of American foodstuffs, and how we should hang it from flagpoles:

"Because that is the biggest imaginable ‘fuck you’ you could possibly issue to terrorists. By hoisting the Oreo Pizza up a flagpole, what you’re essentially saying is, 'There is nothing you can do to us we are not already doing to ourselves.'"

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Welcome to The Olds

Five years ago, when my friend AJ Daulerio turned 30, a friend of his wrote him a letter on Blacktable titled HERE ARE 10 THINGS TO EXPECT AFTER YOU TURN 30. I remember reading it at the time and thinking, "Oh, ha! That's funny! But it doesn't relate to me!" Well. It's still funny, at least.



Somebody we know told me you're turning 30 tomorrow. I'd congratulate you, but frankly, I don't have a goddamn nice thing to say about it. I do, however, take perverse delight in telling you what you can expect or should keep in mind:

1. Lest you forget, everyone you know will remind you that you indeed are fucking old. They're not just giving you a hard time. This in fact is true. You are old.

2. You are now officially too old to be characterized in the press and in critical circles as a "rising star" of avant guard journalism or cultural commentary. That plaudit is for young guys -- guys in their 20s -- whose genius is so precocious they actually develop a sphere of influence all to themselves. College co-eds -- English majors and journalism students -- secretly doodle in their journals about fellating those guys just to be close to the genius. They also make notes in their journals about how guys like you creep them out. They wonder why you're not married.

3. On the upside, you needn't be too concerned about those co-eds anymore. As you progress from 30 to 31 and on to 32, your desire to actually sleep with them will drop precipitously. The healthy post-college-aged guy you once were -- cruising Manhattan any night of the week on booze-fueled sex junkets -- is now the cautious, chronically tired guy of Rolaids commercials and NPR call-in shows. I would tell you this change happens gradually, that you still have 18 months of Wednesday night beer specials and post-2 a.m. bong hits with Kelly and Christina, but in fact you should start feeling the effects by Tuesday.

4. 401K. These four characters were nothing more than unique keys on your Dell yesterday. Tomorrow they will take on a daunting significance that clouds your creativity like charcoal-grey cumulonimbi threatening the Merry Retirement Trailer Community in western Pennsylvania. Overnight, financial desparation switches from sexy artist cachet to a mark of blandness and failure. Is it true you don't yet own a condo?

5. You're only 5 years away from your first prostate exam. Let's get fired up!

6. Speaking of doctors, start scheduling more time for them in your Microsoft Outlook calendar. Organized sports are out of the question at your age, and yes, it's true, you really have been smoking for almost two decades now.

7. No, what you're hearing on that kid's radio in Washington Park is not some Outkast B-side. It's actually a whole new breed of hip hop/trance fusion that you had no idea exists. Yes, I agree, it does sound awfully loud.

8. Remember when you laughed your ass off at Chris Rock's "old guy in the club" bit? (No seriously, I'm asking you... do you remember that? I mean it was quite some time ago. Sometimes those things slip.)

9. Hangovers: they're more than just myth.

10. Starting in 24 hours, you are officially closer to 40 than to 20. How're they hanging now, kid?

Getting Carded

Jess and Chris. For the record, they both look equally lovely in a two-piece.

My favorite birthday card of the day, sent to me by both Jessica and Chris completely independently of each other. These are my friends.

In Which I Add A 30th Ring To My Tree Trunk

Is it just me or does the cake keep getting smaller and smaller?

Monday, July 27, 2009

He/She Is Right About The Relish, By The Way

This is the most enthralling piece of commentary I’ve seen on the fast food industry in years. You got served, Eric Schlosser. I couldn't write anything more entertaining than this so I'm going to just transcribe part of this monologue on "bringing the fever" at Krispy Creme:

Then when we opened up the box, the bitch didn’t even have the order right as far as I’m concerned. Because, Bitch, ain’t nobody asked for all these jelly-filled donuts, Bitch. As far as I’m concerned, as far as I’m concerned. I didn’t ask for no JELLY-FILLED, Boo! I don’t like all this motherfuckin lubrication around my donuts. I don’t like the way it feels when I bite into a donut and there’s all this shit pouring into my mouth. I don’t too much care for that. I don’t too much care for all that jelly motherfuckin navigatin through my mouth like GP -motherfuckin -S, Bitch.

And that’s another thing. Speaking of, let’s just talk about this overall, in fast food in general. I can’t stand when someone gives me an attitude. Because some days I put up with it a little bit, you understand? Because I don’t want no spit or boogers or FECAL MATTER REMNANTS in my meal. And a lot of times, let’s say you get a Big Mac Meal, number one -- special sauce and shit on that ass -- with your fries and your drink, you don’t even too much know. There could be a booger in there, you know? Cuz they got that green little relish in that burger, so therefore you don’t really know if that’s a booger or if that’s relish. You just have to go on faith and hope that shit is relish that you’re looking at. So what I’m saying is you don’t want to take a chance. So you want to be nice and treat people the right way, which is what I do just by nature.

Religion 2.0

I was flipping television channels just now and came across pastor Joel Osteen, who was delivering his weekly sermon to Lakewood Church (and the rest of us, via ABC Family). I’ve never seen his sermons before so I watched for a few minutes. It was pretty much what I expected until he started quoting Bible verses. Mind you, the theme of today’s sermon was “Don’t Have A Critical Spirit” so my hands are a little tied here, but I will say this: it’s been awhile since I’ve read Matthew, but I definitely missed the parts about telephone poles and boomerangs on the first read-through. I can only pray that next week Jesus will be referring to his disciples as his entourage. If you’re going to go for the update, really go for the update, you know?

And speaking of updates, after those riveting pull quotes, you better believe I went to to see what else he had to offer. What I found is that this week's message is already available for online purchase. Impressive! But can it recommend other life lessons I might be interested in? And tell me in what order they're ranked in terms of popularity and allow me to debate their merits with other customers in a protected forum under a catchy pseudonym? If not, I may have to take my business elsewhere. I hear the Jews are pretty good with media.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

If Only It Were True

Reading between the lines outside Zaitzeff on Avenue A.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

I've Peaked


Maundi Crater

Horombo Hut campgrounds -- Kilimanjaro in the background to the left (right? whatever) of my head

Zebra Rock

Above the clouds at 12,000 feet

A lot further than it looks

Sunrise on the peak of Kilimanjaro

"Y'all must've been trippin', climbing a mountain in the dark like that."

"Naw sun! We wore flashlights on our hades."

Posing with the totally random, unassuming sign on the top of Kili

Suck it, Everest

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

There's a Red Bull Commercial in Here Somewhere

Me rambling on the top of Mt. Kilimanjaro at six in the morning. Note the excessive use of the word "awesome." I blame the altitude.

That the Red Bull didn't freeze in the minus 10-degree temperatures like the rest of the liquids we'd brought only further makes me question the beverage's ingredients.

Monday, July 13, 2009

It's Not Gay If It's Yourself, Right? Right???

A friend of mine just completed a 300-question survey from some dating site called He emailed this to me with the subject line "Most interesting OkCupid question of the day." When I say "a friend of mine," I actually mean a friend of mine. I have a boyfriend. And if I were answering this question, obviously the answer would be yes.

Monday, July 06, 2009

Made It!

Me just after reaching the summit of Kilimanjaro at sunrise.

Incidentally, after six hours of hiking my arms were the only parts of my body that I could still move.

More to come...

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

The Throws of Kilimanjaro

It is upon me. I'm off to try to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro. See you in 11 days! (hopefully)


Thursday, June 18, 2009

Except, I Don't Like Racquetball

Only six days left till I attempt to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro. Dave Eggers wrote a short story called "Up the Mountain, Coming Down Slowly" about a woman who climbs Mt. Kilimanjaro. It was a fictionalization of his own experience scaling the mountain a few years ago. This passage perfectly encapsulates where my head is at right now:

She cannot recall the source of her motivation to spend four days hiking up this mountain, so blindingly white at the top -- a hike some had told her was brutalizing and often fatal and others had claimed was actually just a walk in the park. She was not sure she was fit enough, and was not sure she would not be bored to insanity. She was most concerned about the altitude sickness. The young were more susceptible, she’d heard, and at thirty-eight she was not sure she was that anymore -- young -- but she felt that for some reason she in particular was always susceptible and she would have to know when to turn back. If the pressure in her head became too great, she would have to turn back. The mountain was almost twenty thousand feet high and every month someone died of a cerebral edema and there were ways to prevent this. Breathing deeply would bring more oxygen into the blood, into the brain, and if that didn’t work and the pain persisted, there was Diamox, which thinned the blood and accomplished the same objective but more quickly. But she hated to take pills and had vowed not to use them, to simply go down in the pain grew intolerable -- but how would she know when to go down? What were the phases before death? She might at some point realize that it was time to turn and walk down the mountain, but what if it was already too late? It was possible that she would decide to leave, be ready to live at a lower level again, but by then the mountain would have had its way and there, on a path or in a tent, she would die. [...]

She has bought new boots, expensive, and has borrowed a backpack, huge, and a Therm-a-rest, and sleeping bag, and cup, and a dozen other things. Everything made of plastic and Gore-Tex. The items were light individually but together were heavy and all of it is packed in a large tall purple pack in the corner of the round hut and she doesn’t want to carry the pack and wonders why she’s come. She is not a mountain climber, and not an avid hiker, and not someone who needs to prove her fitness by hiking mountains and afterward casually mentioning it to friends and colleagues. She likes racquetball.

Today in Texting With Jessica: Mt. Kilimanjaro Edition

Me: Was just reading the Wikipedia entry about Arusha, the city in Africa where I'll be staying before I hike Mt. Kilimanjaro. This line stood out:

Increasingly, tourists are being held up at machete point, even during the day.

Jessica: Omg, that's so authentic!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

I Know I'm Late On This

Dancers wearing Hammer Pants flash mob a trendy store and surprise hipsters shopping for skinny jeans.

This is the most impressive thing I've seen in quite some time. In particular, the white guy in the tie really owned it.

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Today in Texting With Jessica

Me: Is there any part of town more useless than Tribeca?

Jessica: Murray Hill.

Me: At least you can always get a cab in Murray Hill.

Jessica: True. You can always get a cab, and an STD.

Monday, June 01, 2009

You Would Never Guess I've Been Through Two Rounds of Media Training, Would You?

I'm going to appear as a guest on Fox News' Red Eye tonight. Tomorrow. Tonight. Whatever. On Monday at 3 a.m. Eastern Standard Time. I promise to make lots of untoward faces again! (The above is from the last time I was on the show when I did an impression of myself driving a car while listening to Beyonce music.)

There is a good chance they will be airing footage from my recent skydiving endeavor. The straining expression on my face during the free fall is similar to the grimace people make while being anally penetrated against their will. Get your Tivo ready, Mom.

UPDATE: The skydiving footage isn't airing tonight. It will run in a few weeks. Sad face! :-(

Today in Texting With Jessica

Jessica: 'Confessions of a Go-Go Girl' -- another Saturday night, destroyed by a Lifetime movie.

Me: I hear it's the Citizen Kane of tv movie presentations.

Jessica [four hours later]: Now I'm watching another Lifetime movie starring Stephan Jenkins. Of Third Eye Blind. Big night here.

Me: I'm watching my boyfriend pee with the bathroom door open so that he doesn't have to put 'Benjamin Button' on pause. Which is worse?

Jessica: Um, you win. But only by a hair.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Cute Overload

My mom and little sister found this in a mall parking lot being attacked by mockingbirds. I kind of want to attack it, too. With kisses. Not just regular kisses, but tongue kisses because that's how cute she is and also because she is a kitty (when in Rome, right?). And is it just me, or does she look like the couch?

Friday, May 22, 2009

Hindsight 20/20

In retrospect, this may not have been the best camera angle from which to capture my straddle whip on the trapeze.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

ABC Telling It Like It Is

I tried to watch free online episodes of Dancing With the Stars tonight on, but a message popped up telling me I needed to download their plug-in first. This was their sales pitch. And you know, I kind of love them for it.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

More Skydiving Photos!

With Bill Schulz, Chris Rovzar and Jessica Coen at Long Island Skydiving. We later reenacted this photo in the nude.

Bill, Jessica and I sign the "you die and it's your bad" release forms.

The reality of the situation hits Jessica while Bill remains blithely unaware of what is to come.

Death march.





Monday, May 11, 2009

I Survived

The expression on my face really says it all.

It Should Come As No Surprise That I Don't Remember Taking 99% Of These Photos

For my potential last night on earth, I gathered a few friends together for an ironic dinner at Olive Garden. After many bottles of Sutter Home were consumed, we sojourned to the Times Square Madame Tussauds wax museum to molest some statues. Joining me were my girl Sara and another friend who asked not to be identified because he (uh, or she. you never know. going on the clothes alone it could also be Ellen DeGeneres) takes care with how he portrays himself to the public. As you can see, this is not a concern of mine.

The best part of the museum is the American Idol section where they let you karaoke before a wax Simon Cowell and when you're done, the house deejay hits a button and one of Cowell's pre-recorded withering comments comes over the loudspeaker to crush your dreams. It is absolutely fantastic and I forgot about it entirely until I woke up the next day and found a card in my purse reading


(the blank filled in with handwriting) 'Midnight Train to Georgia'

Present this card to the host to purchase a custom DVD, complete with titles, them [sic] music and STARRING YOU!

We were being filmed????? Hilarious. Sara informs me that TLC's "Don't Go Chasing Waterfalls" was also given its due. Go there, man.


The next day I have the following conversation with my friend on the right...

Me: Who is that guy in the red shirt with us in the Hulk picture? Is he part of the display? I must have had more wine than I realized.

Friend: That I don’t remember him is also a red flag.

I'll be with you in a minute, Evander.

I have a suspicion the Victoria Beckham also freelances in the '80s wing as Michael J. Fox.

Apropos of nothing, gang signs with Julia Roberts

Motorboating fake Tyra Banks.