Sunday, December 28, 2008

My New Favorite Bar

I’m in Houston for the holidays. A few nights ago my girl Skyler and I went to a bar which is going to be our go-to drinking establishment from now on. It was so behind in the times that it had a cigarette machine and no smoking section because the entire bar was the smoking section. Yet there were no ashtrays so everyone just ashed their cigarettes on the beige industrial carpeting. At one point, a woman came up to us and tried to sell us a rose. From our seats we watched two middle-aged women grinding each other on an otherwise empty dance floor to the song “My Girl.”

“Please tell me you’re seeing this,” I said.

“Laugh all you want but that’s so going to be us in a few years,” Skyler replied.

When we ordered our drinks the strung-out looking bartender narrowed her eyes at us and asked, “Do you ladies have some identification?” We handed over our licenses that proved we’re pushing 30.

“Wow, you ladies sure do look good for your age,” she said. “What’s y’alls’ beauty secret?”

“It’s called ‘not doing meth’,” Skyler said after she'd left. “Look into it.”

But what really sold me on this place was the ladies' room. The above advertisements were on the back of the bathroom stall door. Oh, how I’d love to be there a few years down the line when the parents explain to their child why he/she doesn’t look like Mommy: “Well, you see, Mommy and Daddy loved each other very much but couldn’t have a baby of our own. So we placed an ad in a bar where we thought there might be some women looking to sell their eggs for drug money.”

Skyler repeated aloud the last line of the ad, saying, “Must be 20 to 30 years old, a non-smoker, drug/disease free and height/weight proportionate.” Then she turned to me and asked, “Do you think they'd settle for one out of four?”

I’m no copywriter but if they were really trying to reach their target audience on that second ad, they’d have had better luck with: Unplanned pregnancy? Which possibly occurred in this very bathroom stall? Consider adoption! Fetal Alcohol Syndrome a plus!

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