Monday, December 29, 2008

Just Asking...

The water in my apartment building was shut off and I've been washing my face and brushing my teeth with Poland Spring. Is this what they mean by "an embarrassment of riches"?

Six Degrees of Separation in the Suburbs

For some reason my parents have six remote controls for one TV, none of which seem to work.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

My New Favorite Bar

I’m in Houston for the holidays. A few nights ago my girl Skyler and I went to a bar which is going to be our go-to drinking establishment from now on. It was so behind in the times that it had a cigarette machine and no smoking section because the entire bar was the smoking section. Yet there were no ashtrays so everyone just ashed their cigarettes on the beige industrial carpeting. At one point, a woman came up to us and tried to sell us a rose. From our seats we watched two middle-aged women grinding each other on an otherwise empty dance floor to the song “My Girl.”

“Please tell me you’re seeing this,” I said.

“Laugh all you want but that’s so going to be us in a few years,” Skyler replied.

When we ordered our drinks the strung-out looking bartender narrowed her eyes at us and asked, “Do you ladies have some identification?” We handed over our licenses that proved we’re pushing 30.

“Wow, you ladies sure do look good for your age,” she said. “What’s y’alls’ beauty secret?”

“It’s called ‘not doing meth’,” Skyler said after she'd left. “Look into it.”

But what really sold me on this place was the ladies' room. The above advertisements were on the back of the bathroom stall door. Oh, how I’d love to be there a few years down the line when the parents explain to their child why he/she doesn’t look like Mommy: “Well, you see, Mommy and Daddy loved each other very much but couldn’t have a baby of our own. So we placed an ad in a bar where we thought there might be some women looking to sell their eggs for drug money.”

Skyler repeated aloud the last line of the ad, saying, “Must be 20 to 30 years old, a non-smoker, drug/disease free and height/weight proportionate.” Then she turned to me and asked, “Do you think they'd settle for one out of four?”

I’m no copywriter but if they were really trying to reach their target audience on that second ad, they’d have had better luck with: Unplanned pregnancy? Which possibly occurred in this very bathroom stall? Consider adoption! Fetal Alcohol Syndrome a plus!

Friday, December 26, 2008

Happy Kwanzaa!...

...and a merry Christmas from me, my brother and sister. I thought I'd post a few holiday pictures just for grins. This year I finally went to SantaCon, a city-wide pub crawl where thousands of New Yorkers dress like Santa and go bar hopping. Instead of wearing a Santa costume, I decided to dress as a nutcracker. It seemed more me. And of all the holiday-themed costumes at Ricky's, it had the longest skirt and came with a bag labeled NUTS, which I filled with cashews and carried around all day. Any costume for which food is an accessory will find a fan in me.

At the College Humor party with Nick. Santa and I discussed rosacea remedies.

At the College Humor party with Jessica as I pretended to touch Santa inappropriately.

SantaCon 2008

Behold the santarchy

The Santas make an unscheduled pitstop at Carl's Cheesesteak

Making another unscheduled pitstop at a South Street Seaport hotel bar after Pizzeria Uno management locked us out of their establishment

My hangover kicked in while I was still drinking so I deployed anti-hangover defense measures and stopped at a pizza place on the way home. The man behind the counter insisted on taking my picture and I was drunk enough to let him.

Attempting to salute but looking more like I'm pantomiming a brontosaurus.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Christmas List

Actually this year I asked for pots and pans and one of those air purifiers that sucks the dust out of the room, which must mean I'm getting old.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Presents I Won't Be Getting My 14-Year-Old Sister For Christmas

Me: What does Jordan want for Christmas?

Mom: She asked for a Ralph Lauren perfume called "Hot."

Me: Okay, that's horrifying.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Last Nine Months Of Unemployment Not A Complete Waste Of Time

The reason I haven't been writing so much on the blog lately: I've been working on a book, which was just picked up by HarperCollins! Definitely the best Christmas present I've ever received. Slated for publication in spring 2010. Yayness!

Last-Minute Christmas Shopping

Bloomingdale's should have a room where customers can take a break and go cry.

Once in a Lifetime Television Event Surprisingly Derivative

The following is a real promo I saw on Lifetime tonight as I was watching The American President. It was an ad for a made-for-television movie called The Governor's Wife and it ran pretty much every commercial break until I eventually memorized it.

An ominous voice begins, “She fell in love with the governor’s son...”

There’s a shot of a young man -- ostensibly the aforementioned governor’s son -- slipping an engagement ring onto a young woman’s finger, chirping, “I guess this makes it official!”

The voiceover continues, “...and into the trap of...the governor's wife.”

The next scene shows a glowering Marilu Henner saying, “You will never fit in!”

The young girl is seen running through a field at night looking panicked. Then Marilu Henner is climbing up some stairs calling, “Come out, come out, wherever you are!” The young girl is trapped in a room, banging on the door sobbing.

The voiceover intones, “Tomorrow at 8 p.m...”

I am so Tivo-ing this.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Revenge of the Underclass

Nick: So Revenge of the Nerds is really kind of an amazing movie. In the sense that it's the original movie of all movies in which a put-upon minority group gets back at everyone else. They really set the formula.

Me: I've always said that Booger was very misunderstood.

Nick: "Times are changing, Betty. These nerds are a threat to our way of life." So bad its good.

Christmas New York Style

No decorated tree, no roaring fire, just a stocking with two clip-on parakeets (one of them missing a head) hung over the radiator by a window blind cord. Wouldn't have it any other way!

Graffiti Spoiler Alerts: In Which Subway Vandals Ruin 'Marley & Me'

Seen in the 14th St. and 6th Ave. subway station

Saturday, December 06, 2008

Today in Texting with Jessica

Me: I’m on a BUS right now. Going to the LIBRARY. Can you imagine? It’s bizarro New York!

Jessica: Why?! The big library?

Me: Naw, the one all the way up at Lincoln Center. Only branch that has the book I need.

One bus ride, one subway transfer and one hour later…

Me: PROOF OF ADDRESS??? Proof of goddamn address to check out a library book???? After coming all the way up here?!

Jessica: What does that even mean? Like a ConEd bill? Your subway card and your rage should be enough proof that you live here.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Area Woman Finally Figures Out Where The Onion Finds Its Photo Subjects

I was reading The Onion last week and was surprised to find the face of my friend Jack staring back at me from under the headline God Help Him, But Area Man Loves That Crazy Bitch. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised considering he works there, but I sent him an email nonetheless.

Me: Nice headshot in The Onion this week!

Jack: Thank you. They needed someone who looked about 30 and sad. I was flattered that they thought of me first.

Monday, December 01, 2008

Britney Spears On Her Intellectual Pursuits

This year I'm thankful that, despite all of the unforseen Spearsean antics of 2007 and 2008, 2009 is proving to be slightly more predictable. In the January issue of Glamour, Britney reveals:
"I love my home and staying in bed and watching 'Dancing With the Stars' or reading a Danielle Steel novel."

Because if she had said "I love my home and staying in bed and watching a good Ken Burns documentary or reading Nabokov," I'd have thought, that's it, she's too far gone.

I'm Always Thankful For The Lopsided Genitalia Of Demi-Celebrities

(image via Lisanti)

What does it say about the life I lead that the first thing I thought when I saw this Frank TV ad was, "Wow, that turkey gobble looks just like Cisco Adler's balls" ?

I'm sure there's some sort of Frank and beans joke here if my mind wasn't still in the throes of a tryptophan hangover.