Thursday, August 07, 2008

I've Been Eyebrow Raped


Don't make the same mistake Pam and I made. Let's keep this a safe space.

In retrospect, I guess the thing I remember the most was how quickly it all happened. One second I was lying down on a bench and then it was over. Then when I looked in the mirror I had a little less eyebrow – a lot less eyebrow. When you think about it, it’s ridiculous that people allow their eyebrows to be waxed. It’s akin to getting your hair cut with your eyes closed.

And anyone who’s ever seen my forehead in person knows that I can’t afford to lose that kind of follicular real estate. To be plain, my forehead is huge. With my too small brows, my face now resembles an apartment with lofted ceilings and furniture that’s too small. The scale is completely off.

Naturally I had to go on television today. Twice. One of my appearances was filming a segment about Madonna for a program that’s the U.K. equivalent of the Today show. Appropriately, I showed up looking like a parishioner at the Church of Latter Day Couric with brows carved into little happy steeples of perpetual surprise.

As any person who’s ever overplucked can tell you, they never really grow back the same way again. So here I am, my face cold and naked, shivering in the night. I’ve been forever changed but I will not let this change the way I live my life. For I have bought the LORAC Creamy Brow Pencil in taupe in addition to the Givenchy Mister Eyebrow-Fixing Pencil. It is time to take back the brow.

27 comments:

Petunia Face said...

Follicular real estate? Steeples of perpetual surprise?

Dear god, it was a divine intervention tweeze, if only so that you would lace those lovely words together to create such perfect images!

Anonymous said...

You have to post videos of your TV appearances.

MIke said...

Fear not. It's going to a painful process but force yourself not to touch one hair of your eyebrows for one month (except maybe the bridge of your nose if you're fighting the Battle of the Unibrow). Then at the end of that month go to a salon that plucks instead of waxes. They'll start shaping your eyebrows back to their natural state. It takes a long while for them to get back there, but they totally will and plucking will keep them looking clean through the process. I made the mistake of getting my eyebrows threaded once (I know I'm a guy, but my eyebrows threaten to go all George Whipple if I don't take care of them) on a whim and regretted it instantly. I looked like a Gotti!

If you have the scratch, I recommend going to Marisa at Cornelia. If you want her at a seriously discounted rate and you can get into the Conde Nast Building she does eyebrow days here a few times a month. What costs $85 at Cornelia is only $35 here. It's TOTALLY worth it. No one knows I get my eyebrows done which is the best compliment of all.

Let me know if you need a hook up.

Chance Haywood said...

I think I'm speaking for all of your friends and fans when I express we demand proof of this eyebrow disaster.

Camels & Chocolate said...

Three cheers for members of the Fivehead Club (yourself and me included)! I also have a matching vein to yours, just FYI.

Anonymous said...

Your eyebrows seemed fine on RedEye. What did you say about breastfeeding that got filtered out?

Noelle Hancock said...

That's because the Fox News makeup artist had to fill them in!

Oh, the breastfeeding line...I got in trouble for that one. Greg made me promise not to repeat it. In fact, I think his exact words were, "That line will never see the light of day and we will never speak of it again." heh.

John said...

You should tell them you're only available to do RedEye on Monday and Tuesday. Getting off work and learning I missed a rare TV appearance by you is like sleeping through Christmas.

Also, I wonder if all those Brits are going to think big foreheads and little eyebrows is the latest in Yankee supercilium fashion.

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Mabel Raymond said...



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DOCTOR TOPE CAN AS WELL CURE THE FOLLOWING DISEASE:-

1. HIV/AIDS
2. HERPES
3. CANCER ALL KINDS
4. ALS
5. Hepatitis A,B,C
6. Diabetes
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8. Coronary Artery Disease (Ischemic Heart Disease)
9. Alopecia
10.Bipolar disorder
11.Bedwetting
12.Carpal tunnel syndrome
13.Celiac disease
14.Ear Infections
15.Endometriosis
16.Epilepsy
17.Chlamydia
18.Syphilis
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My name is Mary Hanson, am from United State. I want the general public
to know how this great man called Dr. Okuns cure me and my sister from GENITAL HERPES with the herbal medicine gotten from Dr. Okuns, he cures other diseases too like STD, My own was worst I have suffered for Human papilloma virus HPV) for 2years he cure me too, herbal is a great medication. he have a medicine that is 100% percent assured to cure any type of disease and you don’t need to spend so much money anymore . I want you to contact Dr. Okuns on: herbal.home247@yahoo.com My family is now a brand new one, so stop your worries and go get your herbal medicine now to get your family free from deadly disease. Once again thanks to Dr. Okuns you can contact him now via phone number: +2348078467513 or email him on: herbal.home247@yahoo.com