Thursday, July 24, 2008

I Totally Do This


“Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them breaks and splinters. That is the 'loser,' and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round. I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, 'Please use this M&M for breeding purposes.'

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.

There can be only one."

-- From Roger Ebert’s mailbag: On the Breeding Properties of M&Ms

[Via Lisanti and brokengentleman]

(And yeah, the blue M&Ms are bullshit.)

2 comments:

BCA said...

ummm..thanks to Mr. Ebert, Ms. Hancock (and I'm sure many others) for bastardizing a Greek Orthodox heritage/tradition. (ask a Greek if it's not clear). :)

Real People said...

Brilliant! I am ashamed to say that I have never fought M&M's, but the idea seems good. I love that you sent the winner to Mars Bars and even better, that they sent you a coupon! How cool is that?