Tuesday, July 29, 2008

I'm Just Going To Say It

I was so distracted today that I actually sat down on the toilet to pee and had been full on urinating for three seconds before realizing that I still had my underwear on.

Monday, July 28, 2008

My Birthday: In Which I Add a 29th Ring To My Tree Trunk

Happy 29th birthday to me and to my college roommate/bestie Amanda who was born a few hours before me but is somehow decades ahead in maturity. She just graduated from med school. She's part of The Solution. How long do you think I have to wait until I can start asking her for prescriptions?

My favorite voicemail message of the day from my friend Rob:
“Hey there! I was hoping to wish you a happy birthday but I suppose there’s probably a very long queue of people calling to marvel at you and express surprise at the fact that you’ve lived this long. I know that the expectations were low.”

Thursday, July 24, 2008

The Search for the Illegitimate Love Child of Cookie and Pie

There is only one place in New York City where I can find the magnificence that is the Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pie. Part cookie, part cream pie, all heaven, Debbie and her Gooey White Center For Sumptuous Studies never fails me. But you know who does? The grocery stores, delis and drug stores that fail to stock them. The only vendor I've come across in New York City is a random newsstand on 23rd between 5th and 6th. Whenever I happen to be passing by I go in and wipe out their supply and stockpile them in my pantry so that I can ensure a steady source of snack pie provisions until the next time I find myself on 23rd Street. Today I bought seven of them, inspiring the guy behind the counter to remark, “Wow. Are those all for you?”

“It’s not like I’m going to eat them all at the same time!” I snapped.

I don’t need your judgment.

One Of These Is Not Like The Other


But hey, light ice creams!

[Via Lisanti]

I Totally Do This

“Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them breaks and splinters. That is the 'loser,' and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round. I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, 'Please use this M&M for breeding purposes.'

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.

There can be only one."

-- From Roger Ebert’s mailbag: On the Breeding Properties of M&Ms

[Via Lisanti and brokengentleman]

(And yeah, the blue M&Ms are bullshit.)

Monday, July 14, 2008

Gay Sunset

East Village, 8:30 p.m.

There Are Bad Ideas...

There are really bad ideas...

Then there's the Keds sneaker wedge.

The One Where The Two Freelance Writers Spend Way Too Much Time Emailing About A Milkshake

Mark: I don't think I could ever ingest something called The Cookie Chumper. Sounds too much like gonzo porn to be any kind of edible item.

Me: The Cookie Chumper is fabulous. They really understand the importance of the cookie per cream ratio, which is key.

Mark: But why "chumper" and not "chomper"?

Me: I think chomping is what your teeth do with heartier food that's difficult to tear through -- like a well-done steak sandwich -- whereas chumping Oreo cookie crumbs amid milky surroundings calls for a lighter touch. Are you really asking me to decipher the semantics behind the naming of a milkshake?

Mark: I guess I'm confused because I think of "chumping" as "to make a chump of." So in this case, you'd be trying to make a chump of a cookie milkshake. I.e., "You're my bitch, shake."

Maybe that does make sense.

Me: If I'm paying $7.04 for it, that shake had better be my bitch.

I'm Sorry But This Made Me Laughsies!

Particularly the parts in bold...


By Denis Pinchuk

ST PETERSBURG (Reuters) - A Russian woman in St Petersburg killed her drunk husband with a folding couch, Russian media reported on Wednesday.

St Petersburg's Channel Five said the man's wife, upset with her husband for being drunk and refusing to get up, kicked a handle after an argument, activating a mechanism that folds the couch up against a wall.

The couch, which doubles as a bed, folds up automatically in order to save space. The man fell between the mattress and the back of the couch, Channel Five quoted emergency workers as saying.

The woman then walked out of the room and returned three hours later to check on what she thought was an unusually quiet sleeping husband. Police refused to comment.

The St Petersburg Emergency Services Ministry said a private rescue service removed the man's body.

Video on the television channel's website showed emergency workers sawing away the side panels of a couch to remove a man in his underwear lying headfirst between the cushions.

Emergency workers said the man died instantly.

(Additional reporting by Tatiana Ustinova, Writing by Chris Baldwin, editing by Alison Williams)
[Via Lisanti and AntiKris]

I knew they had Murphy Beds but Murphy FUTONS?? Incredible. Why don't we have these in the United States? Me and my 400-square-foot studio would be all over that. Make it happen, Ikea!

It's a Monday

You know when you accidentally hit something on your computer and then suddenly your toolbars totally change position and now the buttons that used to be on top are on bottom and the buttons are now big instead of small and you’re like, “Where the hell did that little weather icon go that told the temperature? I loved the shit out of the weather icon and now it’s gone!” And you have no idea how to get it back the way it was before and every time you try to fix it you just make it worse?

I hate that.

UPDATE: Three hours later, after I'd resigned myself to living the rest of my life with an inverted toolbar of oversized buttons, I accidentally pressed some key that switched everything back to the original settings. Order restored to the kingdom!

Friday, July 11, 2008

In Which Movie Gas Prices Ruin My Suspension Of Disbelief

There are many absurdist elements to the movie Con Air. Nicolas Cage’s southern accent, the dialogue (“Put the bunny back in the box!”), a plane dragging a sports car through the air, landing a plane on the Vegas strip, etc. But when I was watching Con Air on TNT tonight (shut up), the part that struck me as the least realistic was when someone runs past a gas station and unleaded is going for $1.03 a gallon. $1.03! It was one of those "wait, hold up" moments where you immediately reach for the Info button on the remote, saying, “What year was this made again?” I have this reaction every time I’m watching that five dollar milkshake exchange from Pulp Fiction. A $5 shake in New York is practically a steal these days. If someone offers you a milkshake for less than $5 in New York, you don't want that shit. You can be pretty sure that it was made from the carcasses of deli cats. I actually paid $7.04 for a milkshake at Ciao Bella yesterday. It was called the Cookie Chumper and it was worth every inflated government-subsidized penny.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Never Again

If these walls could talk...I hope they speak English. Otherwise that could get really annoying.

It's true. I have a cheesy 80s mirrored closet. It's where I keep all my shoulder padded blazers and Reebok Pumps.

I did always want a corner office.

The War On Paint is over. It's hard to tell from the pictures, but I went with light blue in the bedroom and "dressing area" and painted the living room taupe in order to convince myself that I live in a multi-room apartment instead of a studio with a kitchen smaller than my television.* After hearing that I was considering the color In Your Eyes, my friend Mark emailed in:

Maybe you should stay away from Benjamin Moore's Peter Gabriel Collection when selecting paint for your apartment. Although the Solsberry Hill might have been nice for the bathroom.


I need to start going to bed earlier.

(*My friend Peter saw these pics and asked, "Why is your bed next to your couch?" He moved from Manhattan to Brooklyn a few years ago. How quickly they forget.)

Monday, July 07, 2008

In Which Facebook Targeted Advertising Makes Me Take Stock of My Life

Is Facebook trying to tell me something? Specifically that I am a poor, 28-year-old out of shape blogger whose liver is headed for the endangered species list? Keep an eye on the space on the left.

Are they really getting a bunch of drunk people behind their computers at the same time and calling it Happy Hour? Isn't that just called Blogging?

Is it that obvious?

You just lost yourself two tickets to the gun show, Facebook.

Actually, yes.

Is there anything less appealing than the idea of attending college via the internet? It takes all the fun parts out of higher education. "University of Phoenix Online: Just like regular college except without parties and hate sex!"

I guess it probably doesn't help that I'm in the middle of shoving forkfuls of wedding cake into my mouth. But what's with all the "28 and out of shape" and "overweight at 28" business? Will I escape this abuse when I turn 29 in a few weeks or will I get a whole new set of insulting rhymes?

And now that dog has an eating disorder.

Just one reason, among many, why you shouldn't order drinks with names like The Flaming Volcano.

Sunday, July 06, 2008

Er, Not Particularly

I think we already know what that smells like.


Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Just Asking

Is it weird that my dentist's office sells Will & Grace DVDs?