Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Your Celebrity Guide to Current Events

A few years ago, a writer at the Yale Daily News wrote a clever and surprisingly accurate essay explaining international relations by using characters from The O.C. In the spirit of that article, I thought I’d share which modern day celebrities come to my mind when I’m reading about world affairs. This isn't going to be nearly as thorough as the YDN article. If I thought harder about it, I could probably keep going, bringing in the housing crisis, gasoline prices and Hezbollah but I think I’ll keep it on the small side for now, at least until I figure out how to make my posts jump to the second page (it’s some html thing I’m too lazy to figure out).

The Presidential race is The Hills, the surrealist, often silly drama that's been captivating America for several seasons now. Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are Hillary and Bill Clinton, a polarizing couple disliked by many. In the beginning, Hillary was friendly with Obama (Lauren Conrad) but as time went on – and with Bill’s help – the two have become fierce enemies. Bill and Hillary have had to resort to mud slinging in order to stay relevant to the plot line, launching a hate campaign that involves going on talk shows and radio shows to talk about how much Obama sucks.

Lauren Conrad is Barack Obama. The sensitive, all-around favorite. Star of the show. Can’t understand why Bill and Hillary keep saying such nasty things about her.

Stephanie Pratt is John Edwards, trying to stay on everyone’s good side but recently sided with Obama and sold “Hillary” out during a trip to Vegas.

Whitney Port is John McCain. Has the most experience out of the bunch, is certainly likeable enough but not necessarily a real contender. Always surrounded by rumors that she going to be kicked off the show.

When it comes to foreign countries, Britney Spears is clearly Iraq. Highly unstable. Everyone keeps hoping for a comeback. In the last year, there was a surge in the relief effort to help Iraq. Lots of people rushed to Iraq’s aid and for awhile there it seemed like things were looking up, but the situation still looks dire. Most people think that a comeback won’t be possible until Iraq learns how to help herself.

Our second unstable region, Darfur, will be represented by Lindsay Lohan. Darfur isn’t getting the help she really needs to stop self-destructing, partially because she's being enabled by China (Dina Lohan), who keeps pumping her for resources. Everyone is saying that China has a responsibility to protect Darfur, and China claims that she’s trying to help save Darfur. However, China has a lot invested in Darfur and she’s not going to sacrifice money in the name of humanitarianism.

Ah yes, Zimbabwe President Robert Mugabe aka: The One Who Will Not Go Away. He will be played by Paris Hilton. Both have been in jail, both have been terrorizing their countries for quite some time. They easily turn on those who stop supporting them and become powerful in their own right (see: Kardashian, Kim; Richie, Nicole). Paris lost her considerable inheritance, Mugabe destroyed his once-booming economy. Ironically, Paris keeps saying she’s going to Africa and Mugabe won't leave.

Bear Stearns’ sudden fall from grace? Look no further than the collapse of Miley Cyrus Incorporated (via Vanity Fair, symbolizing high risk investments). Both rose to become leaders in their field and raked in buckets of money before their respective downfalls caught the public by surprise. Though Disney is supporting Miley and Bear Stearns is being rescued by J.P. Morgan, their reputations are now tarnished.

The recession will be represented by Rihanna’s forehead. No explanation necessary.


MIke said...

Finally! Foreign policy for the common folk. Now you're speaking my language!

Patti Mayo said...

OMG!! That was so good. Loved it. Thanks for breaking it down so that normal blue blooded Americans can figure it out.

(and thanks for my morning chuckle)

Laura said...

Brilliant. It started out great and just got better as I read on...now if you could come up with something good for Audrina and Justin Bobby.

Richard said...

AHA! Hey! I think I got it now!

Um...could you like move on to the recession and housing/credit crisis thingies now? I keep getting these officially looking letters with like big "FINAL NOTICE" stamps on them? I think I need to understand, k?

Selena said...

Beautiful, I can now tell the non-believers that something useful does come out of watching The Hills. Also, Brittany as Iraq, brilliant!