Wednesday, May 21, 2008

What I Know For Sure

I just devoured the Nora Ephron book I Feel Bad About My Neck. It's a fast and delicious read. (Though after reading about how much she accomplished in journalism in her twenties, I felt like writing a book called I Feel Bad About My Career.) The penultimate chapter is titled "What I Wish I’d Known" and includes random insights such as:

The plane is not going to crash.

There’s no point in making piecrust from scratch.

The reason you’re waking up in the middle of the night is the second glass of wine.

If only one third of your clothes are mistakes, you’re ahead of the game.

Anything you think is wrong with your body at the age of thirty-five you will be nostalgic for at the age of forty-five.

There are more but I won't spoil them for you. Off the top of my head, below are a few pieces of my own wisdom that I’ve accrued over the years. Some of these missives have probably been said before by other people, yet it seems like we always have to experience them for ourselves before we believe it.

-- If you’re wondering whether or not he cheated on you, he probably did.

-- Always go on the interview, even if you don’t want the job.

-- You should always make friends with the people in the tech department.

-- Once you overpluck your eyebrows they’ll never grow back the same way again.

-- If try to take Astroglide on vacation it will leak all over the place and ruin your luggage.

-- Mini-umbrellas are engineered to break after the fifth use.

-- Women apologize too much. Men don’t apologize enough.

-- Laser hair removal doesn’t work all that well.

-- Once you download AIM onto your laptop, it’s never quite as fast as it was before, even if you uninstall it.

-- If you’ve seen one Law & Order episode you’ve seen them all (trust me, I’ve seen them all).


MIke said...

Speaking of universal truths, my boyfriend and I have been working on this list of movie truths.

Sorry for the long comment, but I thought you would be the PERFECT person to share this with. Maybe you can spread the word and we can grow the list!

44 things we wouldn’t know if it weren’t for the movies

1. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
2. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home,
3. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
4. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
5. If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is just what they happened to be carrying with them at the time the car broke down.
6. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
7. If someone says, "I'll be right back", they won't.
8. Computer monitors never display a cursor on screen but always say:
Enter Password Now.
9. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. And none of your friends have to knock when they come for a visit.
10. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
11. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
12. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
13. If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone around you will automatically be able to mirror all the steps you come up with and hear the music in your head.
14. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
15. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
16. No matter the injury you can still fight on.
17. You don’t have to worry about your hair when your car crashes or you dive away from a bomb. It will always remain perfect and beautiful (when you're a women that is).
18. When a large explosion occurs, your can run away from it till the blast stops or you find a hole to cover in, or will be delayed until you dive.
19. When gun fighting the enemy, don’t worry about getting hit. They will either miss everything or you’ll get hit in such a way that you can still do everything,
20 Whenever you hear bad news, stare at each other for 5-10 seconds.
21. You don’t have to go to the toilet.
22. One can magically store infinite number of bullets in a standard magazine
23. When one fights bare handed - a throng of enemies will attack him by one at a time.
24. When one presents far-eastern appearance - he always knows martial arts.
25. All telephone numbers in the world start with 555.
26. One to three gunshots make every car explode.
27. Thousands of cars explode everyday and everywhere.
28. There are only one or two good cops in every city - the rest are either stupid, clumsy or corrupted.
29. A policeman will wait a whole day behind a lonely billboard by an empty desert highway to catch that one guy speeding.
30. The only thing ever breaking in any car is cooling.
31. Computers never crash.
32. When one escapes - he always must encounter two guys carrying a glass plane.
33. If you ever sit down to play scrabble with your friends and one manages to write words like "horror, terror, murder, killer, blood, etc", you better keep away from the opposite sex. Someone will die that night, and usually the couples in action are preferred the first.
34. Little blonde girls, swinging or jumping ropes are almost always a sign that someone will die. If they are in white dresses, this chance is even higher.
35. If you're a child or a teenager willing to play with a ball, you have to do this somewhere near the stairs heading to the basement. Because that ball has to end up going down the stairs no matter what you do, and it is your duty to follow the ball and go down. There's always a surprise waiting for you there..
36. Should a very large meteor hit the Earth, it will only hit the US. There's no need to worry though, as there's always someone there that will sacrifice himself to destroy the meteor and save the world.
37. If someone starts fighting with another in a bar, the entire crowd in the bar will accompany as soon as possible as they're always waiting for this opportunity, and no glass material or chairs will ever survive the catastrophe.
38. Cars are dangerous. Be sure that the car never bounces up or anything, because that will result in the car exploding.
39. The shower curtain is not a protective shield/good-hiding place and neither is a toilet stall (even if you pull your feet up.)
40. When a couple is fighting, one of them shall always make the decision that makes them fight longer, even though every normal human would have made the other choice.
41. If you’re African/ African American and there is a killer on the loose, don’t expect to live long.
42. If you're a virgin and there’s a psycho-killer on the loose in your town. a) he will be after you and b) retain your virginity if you want to live.
43. Any foreigner will have an English/ British accent, even if they are French.
44. After sex, the sheets will fall to a man's waist but never below a woman's breasts.

Anonymous said...

are u sure about laser hair removal?? man i was gonna get my pits done =(

Noelle Hancock said...

It takes, like, five times as many sessions as they claim it will and there's always hair left over.

Noelle Hancock said...

Also, Mike: haha! love 7, 12 and 14 especially.

Anonymous said...
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Danielle said...

I was looking for books to read during my weekend at the lake, and this one was awesome. Thanks for mentioning it!