I pulled a back muscle hauling my loose change to Coinstar last weekend. I had almost $200 in coinage, which turned out to be quite heavy. I was carrying it in my purse and was thrown completely off-balance so I ended up limping down the street in the manner of a peg-legged pirate.
I was reminded of this homeless guy I used to walk past every day. "Spare any change?" he'd ask. "No, sorry," I'd reply. For some reason I couldn't bring myself to give him any money and I almost always give money to homeless people. "What if they're lying?" people say. "What if they're not really homeless?" The way I see it, if a person is faking homelessness then they still need this change more than I do. But there was something about this guy. I think it was the fact that he was on the same corner every day. It's like, at least move locations from time to time and give me the illusion that you're off using my money to look for a job. Work with me here, man. Plus, he was overweight and I don't believe in fat homeless people. How can you be homeless and still be fat? I don't get it. Clearly he's somewhat resourceful, right? Only in America do we have fat homeless people, I always say.
Anyway, one day I needed some cash so I grabbed the big clear bucket I throw all my change in at the end of the day and headed down the street to Coinster. Of course I wound up walking past the guy. "Spare any change?" he said. I looked down at the big clear bucket of change I was so obviously holding and said, with a perfectly straight face, "No, sorry." At time time I thought it was kind of funny but I caught sight of my unshowered, uncombed self in the mirror earlier and realized that I'm just a few freelance paychecks away from standing on the street holding a bird cage full of parakeets crying, "Feed the birds!" like that lady in Mary Poppins.