Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Too Wired To Enjoy Facials

I treated myself to a facial today. I probably shouldn’t have, being unemployed and all. But I just got back from the beach and my skin looked like the surface of Mars so I did it anyway.

The first thing that happened was that I was greeted by the aesthetician, which sounds like someone who administers anesthesia but is actually someone who administers facials. She had me lie down on a terry cloth recliner and pulled a blanket up to my chin. Note: this probably would’ve been more cozy if I hadn’t still been wearing my jeans. There was some cleansing and some pinching and then she smeared something all over my face and left me alone so it could harden.

After a half hour – a half hour! – of lying there in the dark listening to muzak, I got antsy. Who knew when this lady was even coming back? Since I was left to my own devices, I turned to my own devices. I creeped across the candle lit room and pulled my BlackBerry out of my coat pocket and started returning emails.

When the aesthetician returned she found me sitting up cross-legged and hunched over on the recliner. The glow that illuminated my face had nothing to do with the beauty mask I was wearing and everything to do with AT&T. With one motion, she snatched up the offending device -- or, excuse me, my “wireless email solution for mobile professionals.”

“You don’t know how to relax, do you?” she said accusingly. (Though, honestly, I think she was still mad that I wouldn’t give in to the bonus $25 citrus mask that she kept insisting my skin would thank me for later.)

“Listen, it’s nothing personal,” I said. “It takes me two sleeping pills just to fall asleep at night. Horses have been tranquilized with less. So, yeah, you might say I have a problem relaxing.”

Also, I just don’t feel like anyone should be lying on their back staring up at the ceiling for that long unless they’re a quadriplegic or have someone on top of them. Maybe I’ve just been in New York for too long. They should open up a joint where stressed out New Yorkers can stop by, lie down and have a 30-minute anesthesia drip.

Now that's something I could get down with.

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