Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Live-Blogging Today's Episode Of The Oprah Winfrey Show

I’m sorry but this is hilarious. I’m watching Oprah right now and it’s an episode about people who eat while they sleep. They’re actually airing night vision footage of people eating while sleeping. This is amazing. That’s it, I’m blogging this.

5 mins 47 secs: Right now we’re watching video of this woman housing some cole slaw, lunch meat and chugging milk from the jug while completely unconscious.

8 mins: Oprah asks the woman, “Do you remember any of that?”

“No, not until the morning,” she replies. “There are triggers. There’d be a spoon or crackers or dip or something we left. You’re kind of on autopilot. You don’t remember at the time but you have recollections in the morning.”

Okay, I can’t really relate to this but I can sort of relate to it. Back when I had the energy to drink I would come home late at night hammered and stop by the 24-Hour Baskin Robbins across the street from my apartment complex.(By the way, is that really necessary, America? I mean, really?)

I’d always get a double scoop of Cookies N’ Cream and Rocky Road to go and the next day I'd wake up to find an empty BR cup sitting on my nightstand having no idea how it go there. AND! If I was coming home from covering some celebrity event, I would routinely give away all of my party swag to the employees! I’d wake up and be all, “What the hell happened to my Swarovski crystal-covered BlackBerry holster?!” Then the next time I’d stop by Baskin Robbins, one of the employees would say, “Thank you so much for the crystal-covered BlackBerry holster!”

10 mins: I’m eating while I’m watching this, by the way.

16 mins 33 secs: Another guest is describing the time she fell asleep while nursing her child, had a bad dream that someone was trying to kill her, tucked her son underneath her arm like a football and sprinted down the hall to the living room where her husband and his brother were hanging out. All of this while she was asleep. What I want to know is whether her nursing breast was still flopping around as she charged down the hallway in front of her brother-in-law? Someone has to ask these questions, because Oprah sure isn’t.

18 mins 54 secs: A guest named Ashley confesses that she wakes up unleashing bloodcurdling screams every few weeks. Are there no good sleep-related habits? Does anyone get up and clean the house while they sleep? Pay the bills? Maybe get in some volunteer work? Dr. Oz tells us that there are actually some people who have sex while they sleep and that this is mostly a problem among men. No kidding. I think I’ve dated a few of those guys.

32 mins 19 secs: Correction: I was eating. Oprah just welcomed a guest who opens with this testimonial: “I was finally diagnosed with anal fissures after several years of going to different kinds of doctors.” Whoa! Where did this come from? I thought we were talking about sleep? A little warning next time, O? If you were really the Queen Of All Women you’d know that you can’t just go straight to anal.

33 mins 6 secs: I have forgiven Oprah for the anal thing because the woman continued on with this gem: “It’s exhausting. Just trying to put a simple pair of shoes on – the bending, the twisting. I have to call my son and have him put my boots on for me.” Then they cut to a clip of the son helping the mother into her ankle boots. Hee heeeeee! Can’t. Stop. The. Laughter. This is even surpassing that infamous Oprah/Oz poop episode where one of the guests described her hemorrhoids as “feeling like a bunch of grapes are hanging out of my rear at all times.”

33 mins 47 secs: Dr. Oz just got out a sock and is reenacting the process of poo passing over anal fissures. I’m not even making this up, nor am I making up the following exchange:

Dr. Oz: “Remember, your anus looks like your lips.”

Oprah: “I wouldn’t know…”

I don't know what that has to do with anything, but I would have to agree. Case in point, this picture of Naomi Campbell.

35 mins 52 secs: Dr. Oz tells the anal-fissure afflicted woman: “You gotta keep that area dry. Because if it’s wet, those cracks don’t heal. So, as crazy as it sounds, you gotta take a hair dryer, put it on cold and then just shine it up there.” [Mimes holding a blow dryer up against his asshole.] “It works. It dries it out.”

It's also a fine conversation ice-breaker: "Hey Ted, nice to meet you. I'd shake your hand but I'm too busy firing this hair dryer up my anus. Maybe next time?"

55 mins: The rest of the show was kind of boring, featuring a guy with sweaty hands and the importance of eating a piece of whole grain bread with olive oil every day.

Ah well. Kudos to Oprah for keeping it together during the first half hour, because I was basically dry heaving with laughter. I don’t care what people say. That women deserves every penny.


Anonymous said...

Now that I've blown coffee all over my keyboard and recovered from gales of laughter...one word, Nicole, 'kay? "Book". Think about it, 'kay?

Tilly said...

I am kinda nauseous now. Seriously. Partly from envisioning cracked anal membranes and partly from your HILARIOUSNESS. Thanks for that.

MIke said...

OMG! I instantly had the same thought about the nursing woman running down the hallway! I'm practically dry heaving (you know I'm working that into conversation on a daily basis from now on) with laughter!

Anonymous said...

Great stuff. Reminds me of the time I was in college and went to student helth complaining about anal bleeding. Do you know how thry check for fissures? This 90 year old doc (without warning) sticks his finger in my anus and then begins to jam it in and out at an incredibly rapid fir pace. I almost peed myself. He says, "Yep, you got a fissure." Really? I think my but would have been bleeding even if I didn't after your anal raping.