Thursday, February 21, 2008
Because "Ruth's Retardedly Named Steak House" Was Already Taken?
I’ve always had a violent reaction to the meathouse franchise name Ruth’s Chris Steak House. What the hell does that even mean? How does one have a “Chris” steak house? Since when is Chris an adjective? What makes you so special, Chris??? My girl Skyler and I recently delved into our ex archives and determined that between the two of us, we’d dated nine Chrises over the years and all of them sucked. This led us to make the sweeping generalization that all Chrises are terrible. See, the equation goes like this:
Christ - Chris = T.
Therefore: T minus Christ = negative Chris
So if T equals time, between now and the time of Christ, the world has consisted of negative Chrises. One might even say that they are the Anti-Christ. Especially if you’re me, you would say that.
Listen, I don't make the rules. If you don't believe me, check out this website for the Ruth's Chris Steak House in Toronto with the disturbing sound of sizzling meat playing on a loop in the background. If that's not the very sound of Hell, you need to revisit the Book of Revelation, friend.
My brother Jeff had this to say about it: “I think everyone understands that name to be fundamentally wrong and upsetting. It's the unspoken thread that holds modern American culture together.”
And so I present Alternate Names For Ruth's Chris Steak House courtesy of McSweeney's:
Lil's Sam Steak House
Nellie's Ray Steak House
Mabel's Steve Steak House
Esther's Carl Steak House
Sara's Bill Steak House
Roxy's Bert Steak House
Kate's Keith Steak House
Hallie's Tom: A Place for Steak