Sunday, December 09, 2007

Unqualified Advice to the Broken-hearted

Last week, a reader posted the following comment on one of my posts:

Anonymous said...
can you please do a post about ridiculously insane breakups? i just went through one and need to read your entertaining thoughts on the anger and ridiculous things said back and forth (or just from side) at two people who one day prior were in love and planning their entire lives together.

isn't it such a phenomenon? let's say a girl gets absolutely verbally murdered by her ex bf a day after the aforementioned things being said. does she hate him from then on?

your thoughts would be priceless!

Oh Anonymous, sadly there's nothing entertaining about breakups, as anyone who saw The Break-up will tell you. They're awful and soul-annihilating and some of the most painful moments you will ever experience in life. Love and breakups are also thoroughly ridiculous on principle. So, one day you're closer to this person than any other human on the planet; you know more about them than even their own parents. Then out of nowhere you split up and become strangers and never speak again. I mean, how effed up is that? In the abstract it sounds like one of those unbelievable movie plot lines you watch and say, "Well, that's just not realistic at all. There's no way a bus could jump a 50-foot gap in the freeway. I don't care how fast it was going."

If love and breakups were a movie, I'd walk my ass out of the theater and tell my friends, "It was completely illogical. Didn't make sense at all. Don't waste your time and money." But of course, everyone goes to the movie anyway. Like 2 Girls, 1 Cup, some things just have to be experienced for yourself. No matter how bad the movie, we always manage to suspend our disbelief and convince ourselves that the next one will be better

But I digress. To answer your question, yes, totally just go ahead and hate him. Or just pretend that he died.

I will say, however, that past experience has taught me that everyone gets theirs in the end so take solace in that. Back in college I dated a guy that I really took for granted. I remember my mother saying to me at one point, "One day you're going to fall for a guy who treats you as badly as you treated [NAME REDACTED]." Of course, she was right. The next guy I dated was an utter douche. He ended up dumping me on my birthday via cell phone from another girl's party. But you know what? After me, he dated a girl who strung him along for years and banged all of his friends. Also, she had herpes. Karma is a bitch and she buys roundtrip tickets.


BCA said...

I definitely feel like the minority here. Not that I haven't had tough break-ups, but I have remained on good terms with more than half of them (after an initial separation period). I just never saw the value in "hating" them or going through all that, they are all great girls/women. I think the ones we have real bad break-ups with, like you described, are ones we never should have been with in the first place. Because the only thing perhaps of any value was the sex, and even that doesn't last long (see Jack Donaghy's quote below). Just a thought..

Jane said...

The commenter and your post presuppose a quick death. I'm a slow death type of relationship girl, complete with break up sex and long periods of denial. And if kharma isn't sufficient consolation, follow my mantra: dwell. Put You Oughta Know on infinite loop and consume your body weight in Ben and Jerry's. Worked for me.

BCA said...

After some deeper thought, I believe most, if not all, of the girls that I'm on good terms with, I am the one who initiated the split. So perhaps it says more about them than me. But at least I had enough sense, taste, whatever you want to call it, to choose women with good qualities, for lack of another term..

Anonymous said...

thanks for the post. i'm actually a guy. so glad i broke up with the dirty new canaan wench.

and now there is a betting pool for how long it takes her to contact me. this girl would out crawl a baby. 17 people are in so far at 10 bucks a pop. when she contacts me again i'm just going to tell her that there was a pool seeing how long it'd take her to contact me again and i'm going to tell her the winner then hang up. obviously it'll be around xmas time so i'll throw in a merry xmas too for good measure.

great post noelle!

Anonymous said...

Too true on the karma thing. A guy I dated a few years ago really did a number on me - cheating, mind games...pretty much two years of emotional abuse. Awesome. Anyway, about 6 months afer I finally wised up and walked away (I'm with the slow death commenter on this one), he had a complete nervous breakdown, was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and got laid off from his job. Now that's karma for you.

ToKissTheCook said...

I actually was the girl who told her friends to pretend like the ex had died. It was actually pretty funny for awhile, no one used his name, just referred to him as "the one that died." Because the person I knew and the person I fell for did die slowly over the course of the relationship. And part of me did too. And then you're that girl crying at the end of the movie "The Break-Up" because it's not funny. We all had those fights and that frustration and it's sad. But it's been a bit and we use his name now. I don't even flick off the street sign with his name in it anymore. In terms of roundtrip karmic tickets- I'm not sure I care what happens to him but I'm looking forward to the day my own itinerary arrives.