Wednesday, December 12, 2007

How I Sleep At Night

Beware Would-Be Robbers: Even after 15 years on the job, Humphrey the Bear will not hesitate to break your shit.

The other day I underwent media training for my new job, designed to prepare us in case we ever appear as talking heads on celebrity talk shows or news programs (is that redundant?). It basically entails sitting at a news anchor desk and looking into a camera while several publicists impale you with baiting questions as if you were a guest on The O’Reilly Factor. While this is going on, you try to maintain your composure and come up with informative, snappy answers that won’t get you fired. About 25 questions in, one of the pretend interviewers sneered, “Princess Diana was killed because the paparazzi chased her down! You’re a part of that industry. How do you sleep at night?!”

“Pills,” I retorted. “How do you sleep at night?”

Actually I didn’t say that. I came really close to saying it but my boss was sitting right there and I figured that I should probably wait until my health insurance kicks in before implying that I’m a rampant pill-popper. Instead, I said something to the effect of, “Well, that was 10 years ago and it was an isolated incident…” Etc., etc.

How do you sleep at night? is an interesting question, though, with a totally uninteresting answer which I will share now.

First I take two Lunesta (what -- you thought I was kidding about the pills thing?); then comes what I like to call Setting Up the Defensive Line. You see, as a direct result of a childhood spent watching Unsolved Mysteries reruns, I’ve grown up with the understanding that there are many people in the world trying to kill me. And what better time to kill someone when they’re asleep and you have the advantage of the element of surprise? This is why, every night, I have a ritual to safeguard against any unforeseen attacks.

I check the closet to make sure no killers are hiding in there, and then I check the bathroom and the laundry hamper because the closet’s way too obvious. You’d think my 5’9” Self would be able to fend off someone small enough to fit in a hamper, but when you have the element of surprise working in your favor, anything is possible.
Next, Humphrey Bear and Stuffed Lamb are set up at the foot of my bed to stand guard against the forthcoming murderous midgets and closeted villains. A pillow fort is erected around the edges of the bed. This has less to do with safety than general comfort, and to ensure that I am surrounded at all times by excellent softness. I highly recommend this.

Then I place myself into the middle of the pillow fort and pull the covers over my head. I do this because of the lingering psychological damage caused by a kindergarten classmate who swore that if I didn’t cover my neck while I slept, the vampires would come. Next I smoosh the comforter around until I create a breathing tunnel so that I do not run out of oxygen while snoozing the night away in Fort Slumber.

Then I realize that I forgot…to…check…the…windows. So I get up and do it all over again.

Yes, I am completely serious, and yes, I am 28 years old. And now you know how I’ve made it alive this long!


chantal said...

what 'bout under the bed...i check there too..

Noelle Hancock said...

Oh honey, there's so much shit under my bed, if there's someone under there, they'll be crushed to an early end anyways.

Anonymous said...

Ever have sleep paralysis? During my teens I thought I was being raped by Jedis.

Anonymous said...

You love Calvin and Hobbes.

Mike said...

This post is screamingly funny! I thought I was the only one who managed to develop completely irrational fears based solely on what Robert Stack and childhood classmates told me. At least they've prepared us to thwart the Ninja Burglar.

BTW, I find one Lunesta and half a Xanax knocks me right out and no hangover. Yay pills!

Noelle Hancock said...

Thanks Mike! I actually find that my body builds up a tolerance to Ambien and it stops working. At this point I could probably throw back two Ambien and then go put in a full day's work, which is why I stick with Lunesta. Luckily, I usually don't get "sleeping pill hangover" unlike regular hangovers which I am now powerless to stop.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for posting this. I am exactly the same way except my drug of choice is Rozerem. Sonata didn't work for me. Unsolved Mysteries is an evil show.

hello darling (formerly hello sunshine!) said...

OMG, you just described my entire sleep routine, minus the pills and plus two stuffed bears named Pinky and Teddy.

Except now I sleep with a boy so I assume he'll take care of monsters and robbers and other scary things. Right babe? RIGHT?! (shit.)

EmployeeMegan said...

I put my sheets up to my neck as well, but for fear of the guillotine that i saw on my way to bed in some made-for-tv movie about the french revolution that my parents were watching one fateful night in, say, 1987.

ced said...

after my cat died in may i went to my mom's and dug up my stuffed animal alfie (a hound of some sort). he is my transitional object. that and some baileys irish creme usually does the trick -- i still don't let my hands or feet dangle off the bed though.

BSP EP said...

I was reading this and couldn't help but to share my methods of sleeping, I was awakened one night by a troll trying to steal my breath away. After swatting it off my bed, it ran into a hole behind my dresser. I laid awake all night until I was able to go to the Humane Society and adopt a grey tabby. Now "General" as I call him, sits atop my bed and keeps the trolls away. I don't have to worry about anyone underneath the wheels of my racecar bed.