Read Talk of the Town, read Anthony Lane. If there happens to be a David Sedaris piece in the issue, read David Sedaris. Check out winner of caption contest.
Read first three pages of article about a man who has discovered his life’s purpose splicing Dahlia stamen together in his small but charming hut in a remote village outside of Minsk to create a new breed of Dahlias, the likes of which the world has never seen. See how many pages are left in the article. Note that there are 7 pages left. Mutter to self, “Jesus, there certainly are a lot of words aren’t there.”
Put down The New Yorker. Guiltily eye the discarded New Yorker from time to time for the rest of the week. On Monday, extract new New Yorker from mailbox, toss old New Yorker in recycling bin, and with fist raised, say, “I’ll get you this week, New Yorker. Just you wait. I will read the shit out of you.” Repeat.