Monday, August 06, 2007

An Open Letter To The Loud Guy Sitting Next To Me At Brunch Who Spoiled The Ending Of Harry Potter:

Seriously, what the hell?

In the months leading up to the release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, I had taken every precaution. I read every Harry Potter story in The New York Times with one hand over my face to safeguard against spoilers. I temporarily cut off contact with my 12-year-old sister, who already read the book and has a rather sadistic predilection for ruining the surprises of others.

So imagine my horror that day at Philadelphia's Continental Grill when you sat down at the adjacent table and started talking about the latest exploits of young Harry, Ron and Hermione.

Not to mention the abject terror I felt when your female dining companion who was wearing a turtleneck in August (seriously what was that about?) asked you, "Oh, who died?"

At that point, I dropped my fork, clapped my hands over my ears and started yelling "Earmuffs! Earmuffs! Lalalalalalala!" Then, 30 seconds later, I gently took my hands off my ears to test and see if you were done with your summation, just in time to hear you say, "And that's when [NAME REDACTED] died!"

Why you thought that it was okay to discuss the ending in public so soon after the book's release is beyond me. It was too soon – TOO SOON! In doing so, you showed a brazen disregard for the slower readers in your general vicinity.

Of course, all of this could have been avoided had you elected to use "indoor voice." But you didn't. You used outdoor voice.

If I'd had a wand with me, I would have struck you down right there over mimosas using the Avada Kedavra Killing Curse. But I didn't. Because I can't do magic. Besides, Dumbledore wouldn't have approved.

Before he died at the end of the sixth book, I mean.

Thanks for listening!
Noelle Hancock

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