Monday, August 27, 2007

Nightmare on 53rd Street


I went to a high school that was predominantly African-American and back then, all of the black girls had these marvelous super-long acrylic nails with intricate designs all over them.

So my superwhite BFF, Skyler, and I swore that one day we were going to go to our local nail salon and get some fantastic, painstakingly painted talons of our own so we could be as fabulous as they were. We never did make it to the salon (neither of us had cars), and of course, now I type for a living so that idea has been shot to hell. But every now and then, I reflect back on our plan and I pour out a little Essie “Mademoiselle” for the nails that never came to fruition.

NATURALLY LONG NAILS, on the other hand, are another story entirely. Check out the mo-fos in the photo above. That’s not just a crack pinkie. That’s a crack hand. It belonged to the 80-something woman who sat down next to me at lunch today. You just never know who’s packing, do you?

The right hand was relatively normal, but not these nails. They were long and they were yellow. The middle fingernail pointed to the left, like one of those weird left-pointing penises you sometimes find on guys. At least those dudes can argue that they were born that way. There’s no excuse for this kind of unbridled growing. I have all the respect in the world for the elderly, but what else do you have to do at that age if not frequent the nail salon?

Just look at that semi-polished loafer. Doesn’t it look like it belongs to a sensible woman? A woman who knows when it’s time to break out the clippers and take care of business? Then there’s the watch. I know what time it is, too, lady! Time to either file down those meat hooks that you call hands, or go down to the local beauty parlor and get yourself some fab, airbrushed lady claws!

But before you go, realize that while I actively support the application of super-long fake nails, this backing does not extend to toes. Ergo, THIS is the most appalling thing I’ve seen in quite some time. It’s the closest human approximation to a velociraptor. If raptors were into Aerosoles and toe rings.

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