Thursday, August 09, 2007

I'm Almost Certainly Going To Regret Posting These Pictures…









…but they're just too hilarious not to.

I don't know if you had Glamour Shots around during your childhood but we sure as hell did during mine. It was an adolescent rite of passage to go to your local mall, get tarted up, wrap yourself in a ridiculous article of clothing, and capture it on camera.

So this is me at the age of 12, portraying myself at the age of 25. The makeup was so thick that in order to take it off I nearly had to hire an archeologist to excavate my face. As one of my friends put it, "They put so much foundation on me, you couldn't even tell I had freckles."

Glamour Shots can be organized into five main categories: The Lean, The Salute (shown), The Hand Under Chin, The Collar Grab, The Head Tilt. Lucky for me, I didn't appear to have that kind of range. Let's ignore the cheeks which could single-handedly house the world's nut supply. Let's talk about the outfits. I’d like to begin by pointing out that, even at that age, I had the good judgment not to go for the feather boa. Also, I really wasn't aware that they made leather coats with rhinestone-studded shoulders and dangling crystals, but life is full of surprises I guess. That sailor outfit is something else, isn’t it? In retrospect, they were just making us look like strippers. (With the exception of the denim blouse with accompanying lace floral collar, a wild card ensemble usually favored by the housewives of Midwestern ministers.)

Did parents just not notice that their kids were being dressed up like Ladies of the Pole, or were they secretly laughing at us the whole time? Looking back, these pictures were uncannily good indicators of what you'd look like as an adult. I daresay they're probably more accurate than the digital technology the FBI uses on pictures of missing children to theorize what they'd look like as they age. As a precaution the government should require all kids go down to the local Glamour Shots studio to sit on a stool, have their bangs sprayed into a plastic wave, and be shot through a soft filtered lens. That way in case they ever go missing, they’ll have a picture at the ready. Or maybe I just really want to get one of those little cards in the mail asking: “Have you seen this Prom-goer/Flapper/Cowgirl/Motorcycle Bitch?”

In the meantime, it’s nice to see Glamour Shots making their mark in the obituary section.

9 comments:

Peter said...

OK, so it was funny enough to see your child porn pics, but WTF is up with that crazy bitch in the "Lean," link?! Her eyes are seriously on the SIDE OF HER FUCKING HEAD! I'm traumatized. Seriously. I can't even enjoy the embarrassment factor of your, "You look like such a pretty young woman now," creepy pics because I'm gauging my eyes out after seeing that...thing. Not good times. I need that erased from my mind Eternal Sunshine style...

the cajun said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Cajun Boy said...

jesus you look like jon-fucking benet ramsey had she only survived the garrote!

Lindsey said...

Um, oh my god, I remember when you took those and I was actually jealous. Looks like I came out on top after all...although I guess posting them online was your choice....

Too Cool for School said...

You forgot the conservababe pose. For example, see link: http://www.debbieschlussel.com/archives/bio/
She shows enough of her body so that you know she's got fabulous breasts, but she slouches so as to convey modesty. She's got repression down to an artform.

erat said...

You brave, brave woman.

Jason said...

Coolest.
Photos.
Ever.

John Smith said...

Thanks for posting these pictures.
I'm old enough to be your grandfather, but never the less, you are a great looking lady.
When I grew up in the 50's and 60's there weren't many "lookers" like you. I was able to date a few, but most were already booked solid.
Thanks again.

Blogger said...

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